Once again, I have fallen into the same old pattern: lots of thoughts and ideas to blog about, lots of doubts and anxiety about my ability to write well enough to do them justice, and a rather empty and forsaken blog as a result.
I made this blog for the express purpose of writing things that nobody really cares about, just a low-pressure place for me to put my word-vomit, no matter how dull or trivial or self-absorbed (hell, I explicitly called it “navel-gazing”!), and yet here I am, stuck again, because the performance anxiety I feel is not due to pressure put upon me by some place, but by the little perfectionist in my head. Not even my inner critic – that one’s useful, that one’s just what I use for editing passes to find typos, ambiguous sentences, run-on sentences, and other small(ish) mistakes. No, the perfectionist is not the one who finds mistakes in work I’ve produced, the perfectionist is the one that doesn’t want there to be mistakes. The perfectionist is the one holding up the shiny, smooth ideal, making all my words seem dull and clumsy in comparison.
I can’t count how often I’ve resolved to kick the perfectionist to the curb and just spew tons of clumsy words. All I know is that it has never worked so far, at least not for long.
Sure, I’d only spew clumsy words in hope that the experience will help me spew less clumsy ones down the line – maybe that’s my mistake? But I don’t think I can give up that hope.
I’ve had the idea to challenge myself to write twenty blog posts in twenty days, no matter about what (no distinction between important/unimportant topics), no matter how shitty they turn out. (Or do one of those half-horrible, half-awesome blog marathons of “one blog post every hour for twenty-four consecutive hours”, although that might be difficult to fit around real-life obligations.) Maybe I should do that. Alternative ideas would be to write for a fixed amount of time every day or to write without editing, although these seem less likely to work – the latter could just result in me obsessing over every single sentence for ages because I only get one attempt, the former might just lead to me dicking around for the assigned time span (writing lots of things I delete again almost immediately until time is up, probably).
Right now my brain is freaking out about this prospect, because what if they turn out horribly?, but that’s kind of the point. They could turn out horribly (and quite a few will, no doubt). And the world will keep on turning, and I’ll have twenty more blog posts on this blog that was never meant to be high-quality to begin with.
So. I think I’m going to do that. If I count this one, I’ll be done on February 1st! (And, as a bonus, they’ll probably turn out really short, since I only have very limited time for each post.)