Sweden Day 1: Swimming

I go outside again and wander around the house for the millionth time. There is almost no wind now, and it’s comfortably warm. D is nowhere to be seen.
I could go down to the lake. Maybe even go for a swim – I kind of want to do it alone when I do it for the first time since November 2012, and this seems like a good opportunity.

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Sweden Day 1: A Decision

I fall asleep surprisingly fast, considering it’s my first night in the house. (Although maybe not that surprising considering how tired I am.) D wakes me up at around seven, but I fall asleep again for about another hour before hunger pangs motivate me to actually get up. I was somewhat puzzled by my lack of hunger and thirst yesterday evening: apparently they were just suppressed by my exhaustion, because now I feel like I’m starving. I wolf down a slice of bread with chocolate spread (and then another, and another), refill my water bottle and drain it almost immediately. Freshly energized and rehydrated, I feel ready to face whatever the day may bring.

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Travels

I procrastinate on packing until the day I actually leave, and then I spend most of said day anxiously wracking my brain trying to think of everything I might possibly need. I can’t picture exactly where and how I will be twelve hours from now, there are too many unknowns and too much that can go wrong and too few familiar pieces to hold on to, and it’s more scary than exciting.

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Summer scheming

My summer break has officially started today!

These are my plans:

  • Go to Sweden, and hope it works out better than last time.
    I said yes pretty much exclusively because D asked on a bad day, with lots of barking from my roommate’s dog, and I desperately wanted to escape the noise. This was probably not the best motivation, and together with my usual aversion against going pretty much anywhere (all the organizing and packing and paying hefty sums for train tickets and having to get there on time is very much not among my favorite things) I’ve been doubting and regretting it almost ever since. I don’t know if getting away from my living situation here for a while will do me enough good to outweigh the possible negative effects of, well, everything. (Okay, I’ll admit I’m mostly scared of the touching and consent thing.)
    But at least I’ll definitely get to dodge the heat here for a while – I can handle 40°C just fine in a dry climate, but the humidity here kicks my ass. Sweat is supposed to evaporate quickly and help to cool you down, dammit, not drench everything and run everywhere and turn everything any part of you touches into a sticky, wet, smelly, disgusting mess. And I’ll probably get to practice driving, and maybe even go swimming – which, incidentally, is the next point on this list.

  • Go swimming.
    I haven’t been at all yet, and it’s new and scary, and there’s organization involved, but it would make the heat much more bearable and help me to get in some exercise during the sports course-free summer, and I used to love swimming when I was little. I want to love it again. I think I will, if I can just get myself to do it. (I hope that going swimming in Sweden first will motivate me to figure out how to do it at home afterwards as well, but that’s probably only going to happen if it’s really better than last year. And a bit warmer.)

  • Turn 25. Barring serious accidents or crimes, this one is guaranteed to happen and will take the least work.
    I have mixed feelings about it, but since I can’t exactly stop it from happening unless I kill myself first (which I do not want to do, thank you very much) I’ll do my best to maximize the good ones and minimize the bad ones. And I’ll probably even celebrate the whole thing (in a me-typical small, comfortable, cake-inclusive way), which should help.

  • Jump off this bridge. (The most difficult part about that is to find a good way to get there, but I’m pretty confident I will.)

  • Hopefully have my roommate and the dogs move into an apartment of their own. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. I don’t know what to do if this doesn’t work out. The situation feels so unbearable sometimes, but if the flat doesn’t work out and I force them to move out anyway (provided I succeed), they’ll be homeless. (Or rather, homeless six months sooner than they would be with the end of our lease this winter. Which makes it sound less bad, but the thought of forcing them out still makes me want to vomit.)
    On a more positive note, if everything works out, things will get so much better! The flat will be a gigantic amount cleaner and more quiet, and my girlfriend M will move in instead, and I will take the opportunity to unfuck my habitat by a ton. I recently opened a kitchen cupboard that was full of cobwebs, and there are moths, and the windows are grimy, and everything is gross and really in need of a good cleaning and my fingers start itching just thinking about it because damn I love putting things in order and making them all clean and shiny and hygienic. And with them gone, there’ll be an actual chance they stay that way!

  • Go hiking and climbing (and try not to get too sunburnt even though I still detest any kind of sunblock).

  • Definitely not blog more, because we all know how such promises end. In fact, I think I will plan to be blatantly unproductive and lazy for as long as I can possibly get away with it, and not even the tiniest little bit ashamed of that, because I’ve spent the past few years feeling guilty and horrible for being a burden on society and a waste of resources, and that sucked and was not even helpful in the least, and I’m thoroughly sick of it. So, this year, I refuse. Suck it.

  • ….but also squeeze in some work on a project for next year. It wouldn’t be fair to my partner to leave them hanging.

That’s all I can think of for now, except for a few smaller plans – for example, I’ll get vaccinated against a bunch of stuff tomorrow, because I let my immunity lapse and definitely do not want to get tetanus and die in Sweden because I cut myself on a rusty nail. And I’ll participate in a role-playing adventure on Saturday. And before all that, I will go eat cake and watch Breaking Bad with my roommate and friend S, and hope the dogs don’t bother us to much while we’re at it. See you!

Of maps and territories 2: Right and wrong maps

[Part 1 is here]

In everyday situations of disagreement or confusion about the meaning of specific terms (which features of the territory they correspond to), people are usually quick to pull up everyone’s favorite online encyclopedia or a dictionary website (or even reach for an actual, physical dictionary, if they’re old-fashioned that way) to resolve the matter. It’s the adult equivalent of asking a teacher: consulting an entity widely accepted to have some kind of expertise on the issue at hand.

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