Month: August 2015

gokuma:

mypatronusisrorypond:

arkhamsiren:

karayray1:

chrissongzzz:

WOW THIS JUST MADE MY DAY GUYS .!!!!!

MUST WATCH


YOUTUBE

What the fuck?

there is legit fear in simon’s eyes

Ok, who’s calling the Ministry to report this breech of the International Statute of Secrecy? 

He’s like, “What happened here? Am I in danger?”

I’m not really a fan of magic tricks, but these were awesome.

queenshulamit:

aprilwitching:

ozymandias271:

queenshulamit:

wirehead-wannabe:

queenshulamit:

queenshulamit:

I am glad that I exist

It’s hard to get across what I mean by this.
What I mean is that for a very long time, my default state was “I wish I didn’t exist” and it only changed in response to specific good things. Like, I would stop wishing I didn’t exist if I was kissing someone I loved, or eating really delicious food, or having some kind of great experience. But this was like looking at pretty sparks in fog. And there were moments of great anxiety or sadness, like sparks that burned you. And I assumed that there was nothing but sparks and fog and that non depressed people were experiencing many many sparks so that the fog rarely bothered them. But now there are sometimes pretty sparks, and sometimes burning sparks, but it’s mostly just clear fogless air. Like, I don’t have to be doing an especially pleasant thing to be glad I exist. I can just be buying groceries or riding on a bus or cleaning the floor at work and it’s positive utility to me to exist. I mean, I was suicidal for ages, but one thing that held me back was the sparks. Most of life was bad but I held on for the pretty sparks. But if I could have been a p zombie most of the time and then suddenly become conscious when a pretty spark happened, I would have chosen that. But now, the sparks are good, but I don’t hate existing when I am just lying in bed. I like it. I like it.
I didn’t expect this. I felt like this as a kid, but I forgot it, and I assumed for a long time that once you reached about 16 and weren’t so naive that life was just fog. But now I see that it wasn’t just the suicidal hellbrains that was mental illness, it wasn’t just the burning sparks. It was also the fog.
I am glad I exist. I am glad I exist. I am glad I exist.

Is this what it’s like to be neurotypical? (Or whatever the right word is)

This is what non-depression is like, I think. I mean, I have the separate problem of lots of burning sparks, and I am less resilient to burning sparks than normals, but there is no fog now. Idk, non depressed followers, is this how being alive is?

Most of the time I feel like T H E V O I D unless something is going really wrong or really right

and it is easier to make things go really wrong

and that is tempting

because T H E V O I D is the worst because you don’t feel anything at all

i dont think its what being neurotypical is like; i like existing on the whole and im. um. pretty strange. and, unfortunately, someone for whom its pretty difficult to function as a semi-independent adult human being in society as it exists now.

but yeah i would say it is what not being in some kind of pervasive, extreme physical or emotional pain is like. 

i would also say it is what valuing yourself as an entity is like; feeling like you have a right to exist, and it’s okay to do things because they further your existence and allow you to exist in the way you prefer or want. 

i would also say i think i take a lot more joy in existing bc i spent a really long time not existing fully, being suicidal, and/or expecting to die soon. i think i take a lot of joy in existing bc i know i shouldnt exist, really. its very unlikely that i do. it’s like everything is a brief, tiny miracle, when i think about it. and im there to witness. this makes even “boring” or mundane or “unpleasant” activities kind of awesome a lot of the time!

(also, when i think about it, ive already had sooooo many opportunities to die, and not died. death isnt all that scary to me, and its not something i cant choose if i want it. so with that in mind it seems silly to be afraid of any danger, or to think theres any situation or problem in life i cant handle or escape. i might as well embrace everything. the sense that my life is a choice im constantly making helps me appreciate it and be glad of it too, i think.)

Yes, that is it, that is the feel.

theunitofcaring:

queenshulamit:

wirehead-wannabe:

queenshulamit:

queenshulamit:

I am glad that I exist

It’s hard to get across what I mean by this.
What I mean is that for a very long time, my default state was “I wish I didn’t exist” and it only changed in response to specific good things. Like, I would stop wishing I didn’t exist if I was kissing someone I loved, or eating really delicious food, or having some kind of great experience. But this was like looking at pretty sparks in fog. And there were moments of great anxiety or sadness, like sparks that burned you. And I assumed that there was nothing but sparks and fog and that non depressed people were experiencing many many sparks so that the fog rarely bothered them. But now there are sometimes pretty sparks, and sometimes burning sparks, but it’s mostly just clear fogless air. Like, I don’t have to be doing an especially pleasant thing to be glad I exist. I can just be buying groceries or riding on a bus or cleaning the floor at work and it’s positive utility to me to exist. I mean, I was suicidal for ages, but one thing that held me back was the sparks. Most of life was bad but I held on for the pretty sparks. But if I could have been a p zombie most of the time and then suddenly become conscious when a pretty spark happened, I would have chosen that. But now, the sparks are good, but I don’t hate existing when I am just lying in bed. I like it. I like it.
I didn’t expect this. I felt like this as a kid, but I forgot it, and I assumed for a long time that once you reached about 16 and weren’t so naive that life was just fog. But now I see that it wasn’t just the suicidal hellbrains that was mental illness, it wasn’t just the burning sparks. It was also the fog.
I am glad I exist. I am glad I exist. I am glad I exist.

Is this what it’s like to be neurotypical? (Or whatever the right word is)

This is what non-depression is like, I think. I mean, I have the separate problem of lots of burning sparks, and I am less resilient to burning sparks than normals, but there is no fog now. Idk, non depressed followers, is this how being alive is?

This is a very good description of what the difference between being depressed and non-depressed was like for me. 

Fragenbloggen 12: Ratschlag

[English below the cut.]

12. Was war der beste Ratschlag, den du jemals bekommen hast?

Ähm. Ich kann mich gerade an keinen einzigen guten Ratschlag erinnern. Die meisten Ratschläge, an die ich mich erinnere, waren sogar schrecklich. (“Ignorier sie einfach” – das Stichwort für zwölf Jahre, in denen ich mich selbst für mein unausweichliches Versagen beschimpft und gehasst habe, geglaubt, dass ich es mir selbst zuzuschreiben habe weil ich zu emotional war und es daher verdient habe, und versucht jede einzelne Emotion abzutöten die ich je im Angesicht von bullies gefühlt habe.)
In einer geführten Meditation im Rahmen eines Klassenausflugs zu einem buddhistischen Tempel habe ich die Anweisung bekommen, mich als von meinen Gefühlen getrennt zu erfahren, das hat sehr geholfen. Zählt das als Ratschlag?

12. What was the best piece of advice you ever got?

Uh. I don’t remember a single piece of good advice right now. Most of the advice I remember getting was in fact terrible. (“Just ignore the bullies” – cue twelve years of berating and hating myself for failing inevitably, believing I brought it on myself by being too emotional and therefore deserved it, and trying to kill every single emotion I’ve ever felt when faced with bullies.)
In a guided meditation as part of a school tour to a Buddhist temple, I got the instruction to experience myself as separate from my emotions, that helped a lot. Does that count as advice?